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According to Kids

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there
was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The
Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He
must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said,
'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the
world. He split the Adam and Made Eve.

Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed
because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and
Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they
were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what
they were driven in though, because they didn't have
cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as
long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early
people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to
be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a
good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah
built a large boat and put his family and some animals
on it. He asked some other people to join him, but
they said they would have to take a rain check.



After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was
more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold
Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.
Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud
sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses,
whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the
Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil
Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's
people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,
bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every
day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten
commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke,
dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses
a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say.
But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the
President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the
first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the
battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by
killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named
Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.
My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound
very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league
prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed
by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I
guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus
is the star of the New Testament. He was born in
Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a
barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me,
Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be
nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners
like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had
twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.
Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable
after him.

Jesus was a great man He healed many leopards and even
preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the
Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial
before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for
Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to
life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at
the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the
book of Revolution.

There! Now you understand it.

Three trees on a hill in the woods

Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods. They were discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree said, "Someday I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver and precious gems. I could be decorated with intricate carving and everyone would see the beauty."

Then the second tree said, "Someday I will be a mighty ship. I will take Kings and queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world. Everyone will feel safe in me be cause of the strength of my hull."

Finally the third tree said, "I want to grow to be the tallest and straightest Tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the hill and look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and God and how close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all time and people will always remember me."

After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a group of woodsmen came upon the trees. When one came to the first tree he said, "This looks like a strong tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter, "and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he knew that the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest.

At the second tree the woodsman said, "This looks like a strong tree. I should be able to sell it to the shipyard." The second tree was happy Because he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship.

When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened because he knew that if they cut him down his dreams would not come true. One of the woodsmen said, "I don't need anything special from my tree, I'll take this one," and he cut it down.

When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made into a feed box for animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled wit h hay. This was not at all what he had prayed for.

The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of being a mighty ship and carrying kings had come to an end.

The third tree was cut into large pieces, and left alone in the dark.

The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams.

Then one day, a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth and they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the first tree. The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this manger would have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time.

Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the second tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were out on the water, a great storm arose and the tree didn't think it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and He stood and said "Peace" and the storm stopped. At this time, the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings in its boat.

Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried through the streets as the people mocked the man who was carrying it. When they came to a stop, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air to die at the top of a hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as was possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it.

The moral of this story is that when things don't seem to be going your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trust in Him, God will give you great gifts.

Each of the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way they had imagined.

We don't always know what God's plans are for us. We just know that His Ways are not our ways, but His ways are always best.

How To Recognize Blood Clots and Strokes

BLOOD CLOTS & STROKE:
Remember The 1st Three Letters.... S.T.R.

STROKE IDENTIFICATION:

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours
he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke... totally . He said
the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting
the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE

Thank God for the sense to remember the "3" steps, STR . Read
and Learn!

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately,
the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe
brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke
.
Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple
questions:

• S * Ask the individual to SMILE.
  
• T * Ask the person to TALK and SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently) (i.e. It is sunny out today)
  
• R * Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call 911 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

New Sign of a Stroke -------- Stick out Your Tongue

NOTE: Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out his tongue.. If the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one side or the
other , that is also an indication of a stroke.